Introduction to the “love-shy”


The love-shy include fully grown men in their late 30s and 40s who are not only as “virginal” as it is possible for anyone to be, but who can also be accurately described as less experienced in ordinary dating, courting, and elementary kissing than the typical, contemporary 12-year old…  incapable of getting started with the opposite sex, quite in spite of their very strong desires for a close, loving hetero-sexual relationship…. men who would like nothing better than to be able to marry and to have children, but who are not moving towards these goals because of severe bashfulness, shyness and social timidity….

With very few exceptions, the love-shy do not take drugs. In fact, they do not allow themselves to become involved in anything or in any activity, wholesome or otherwise, for which there is any kind of existent social support group.

That is the whole trouble. The love-shy do not have anybody to relate to as a friend or to count on for emotional support…. In fact, they are about as severely cut off from these normal social gratifications as they would be if they were serving a life sentence in a federal or state prison….

As of now, there is no “Shys Anonymous.” I strongly hope that one of the fruits of this book will be the development of such a nationwide organization, and of other support organizations such as “Coed Scouts,” and “practice-dating” support groups.

From preface to “Shyness & Love”, by Brian G. Gilmartin (1987), pp. xxi-xxiii.


Shyness & Love

Several years ago, I managed to locate a pdf copy of Brian Gilmartin’s “Shyness & Love” book about love-shy men.

Cover of "Shyness & Love" book


Since I have noticed that many visitors to my blog are brought here by searching for the term “love shyness”, I am going to begin posting excerpts from the Gilmartin book when I have time.

Since I don’t consider myself to fit the entire description of a “love-shy man” — see my first post about it here — I must confess that my primary reason for posting this is to bring more traffic to my blog!


The Stairway To Alpha

Here are my 40 steps to becoming an Alpha Male – and transform myself from a shy bookish omega to a man that women want to be with. This a distillation of the advice, plans, and techniques that I have read and heard of, regarding what I have to accomplish in order to attract quality feminine companionship (usually defined as getting laid on a regular basis).

  1. Cure (not manage: cure) my mood disorders.
  2. Eliminate all my insecurities.
  3. Become able to interact with people on a basic level without a recurrence of #’s 1 or 2.
  4. Learn how to smile.
  5. Stop being an introvert and become an extravert.
  6. Join Toastmasters and pretend to like it.
  7. Become self-confident.
  8. Stop consuming porn.
  9. Lose virginity.
  10. Find just the right haircut for my hair and my head. Repeat.
  11. Invent a way to transplant the DNA of people who tan easily and smoothly into a naturally fair-skinned, freckly and mole-ly redhead like me.
  12. Save up $85,000 for height surgery.
  13. Purchase an alpha-male wardrobe (expensively faded jeans, designer print t-shirts, fuzzy hat, e.g.).
  14. Exchange my glasses for contacts or laser surgery.
  15. Stop being nice to attractive women, be a jerk.
  16. Memorize the basic principles of Game.
  17. Learn and practice the techniques of Game, until they are internalized.
  18. Watch Fight Club.
  19. Lose weight and develop big muscles.
  20. Develop alpha-male body language.
  21. Learn martial arts.
  22. Get tattoos.
  23. Watch The Matrix.
  24. Learn to play guitar.
  25. Stop being interested in astronomy, history books, obscure movies, Australian Rules Football, wargames, Mystery Science Theater 3000.
  26. Learn how to surf, snowboard, ride a motorcycle, bungee-jump, and skydive.
  27. Start several businesses.
  28. Consider moving to a major urban center (except Detroit or Portland).
  29. Purchase a smart phone and get used to it.
  30. Watch Fight Club and The Matrix.
  31. Purchase lots of condoms.
  32. Go to bars regularly.
  33. Go to parties regularly.
  34. Go to coffee shops regularly.
  35. Watch Fight Club.
  36. Take ballroom dance classes.
  37. Get on Facebook.
  38. Travel.
  39. Die.
  40. Watch Fight Club.

Or, Plan B: become gay. That’ll attract lots of female attention, just not the sexual kind.

P.S. – somewhere there’s a girl reading this and saying “Oh, you just need to be yourself!”
Continue reading

My Alpha Male Moment


I came to work and had an unusual craving for coffee. The coffee they serve in the break room is atrocious, but a craving is a craving. So I walked across the building to the breakroom. Of course, I frequently visit this break room to gather supplies of paper plates, plastic utensils, and paper cups… and to see if there’s any eye candy sitting around, since it’s where the customer service girls from upstairs take their breaks.

As I was filling my cup, I noticed a sheet of paper lying on top of the big canister of Coffee-mate Creamer on the counter next to the coffee urns. It was an email message that someone obviously had printed out then absent-mindedly left on top of the creamer.

I wouldn’t have given it a second thought except the name on the top of the page caught my eye. It was the name of a female coworker for whom I’ve had on-again / off-again attraction for since I started here. I’ll call her Charlize because she could be Charlize Theron’s homelier sister. My interest in her always has been wishy-washy for several reasons. First of all, workplace romance is often too risky in these days of frivolous sexual harassment charges; not to mention the gossip it can generate. Secondly, I’m just not sure how attractive Charlize really is – her appearance varies and she can range between a 4 and a 7 on the HB scale (I’d say usually she’s a 6). Lastly but most significant is that I’m too damn shy to do anything about it anyway.

I left the sheet of paper where it was and walked back towards my work area. I was going to tell Charlize about it, even though I usually try to ignore her (it’s a shy-guy thing, not a stuck-up thing). I passed by her desk. I stopped and said “Hey Charlize.”

She said, “Hi.” She was wearing a fancy blouse and she looked tired.

“Did you leave an email in the break room? Did you forget it?”

“Um, no, uh….” She seemed confused, or as if I just woke her up. Well, you never know what other people might be going through, especially when you don’t really know them.

“I saw it there and it had your name on it. So…”

She started getting up. “Oh yeah, I did.”

I began turning to go away (shyness makes me a hit & run conversationalist, in and out as quickly as possible, then I make a run for it!).

I told her playfully, “I left it there. I’m gonna make you get up and go get it.”


That was all.


Why is that “Alpha”?

Well, because a typical supplicating, pedestalizing Beta male would have brought the sheet with him and made a big deal out of rescuing it for Charlize and delivering it to her. He would’ve been seeking her approval like an eager puppy.

I wasn’t trying to be mean or inconsiderate, so please don’t misunderstand. It wasn’t that big a deal for her to walk over and retrieve her print-out. In the workplace I would not have grossly inconvenienced her, or anybody else for that matter. Regardless, I got a kick out of it. It was about proving to myself that I don’t always have to be so worried about pleasing others, especially not attractive girls.

But maybe I should’ve been more obvious in my teasing? (Oh boy, now the self doubt sets it….)

I think it might just be that being more of an Omega male than a Beta makes the adoption of the devil-may-care behavior of an Alpha a little easier for me



If anyone who reads this doesn’t understand the meaning of Alpha, Beta, Omega, etc, in the context of the SMP (sexual marketplace), please look the terms up. It has to do with Game theory. Several of the sites on my Blog Roll pertain to this.

Dud to Stud with Chemistry and Kino

As I wrote last time, I happened across the video “How to Attract Women for Shy Guys” on YouTube by dating coach DeAnna Lorraine. In that post, I made fun of DeAnna’s; I took umbrage at her overuse of the perjorative term “dud” to describe what a typical attention seeking outgoing woman thinks of “shy and quiet guys”; and I noted that she actually did have several good dating tips in the video.

As promised, I’ll make a couple more points then let it go.



DeAnna Lorraine uses the word “chemistry” ten times in the ten-minute video. I guess it must be important to women or something.

They’re on a date. Her emotions are in the beaker.

Here’s all 10 “chemistry” quotes from the video:

  1. Women tend to have more chemistry with them [outgoing men] and desire them more.
  2. She’s having a good time, and having fun. And that there’s chemistry.
  3. If she’s trying to tease you or make jokes, she’s trying to create chemistry with you.
  4. When you tease and when you banter back and forth, that is a key to creating attraction and chemistry and spark.
  5. If you just say ha-ha and let it go flat, she’s gonna keep feeling like “oh my god this guy’s so boring, there’s no chemistry.”
  6. The double date will bring out more of your personality… so you guys can have a greater chance of having chemistry.
  7. That [activity dates] will also help the conversations from… going stale, and can actually create more chemistry when there’s something going on.
  8. She doesn’t like the silence, and she’s trying to create more chemistry with you.
  9. If there’s… no playfulness and stimulating conversations, she’s gonna go home thinking “that guy was such a nice guy, but…” And the but is – there was just no spark, just no chemistry, and you’re gonna fall into the friend zone like every other time.
  10. When she’s touching you, she’s trying to see if there’s any sexual chemistry going on.

So, I couldn’t help but start thinking about chemistry. (And thinking about things is what we omega males do instead of, you know, taking action).

What exactly does chemistry mean, in the context of dating?

“Chemistry” is code for the woman’s emotional state. Chemistry means feelings – her feelings, that is, because nobody gives a crap how the man feels about the situation. (PUAs might call it her “hamster”)

And it all hangs on you and me, fellas – and not just the shy guys but all men. Her feelings are our responsibility. If she feels good, it’s chemistry. If she’s bored, you’re a dud. Whether or not she is boring to you doesn’t matter.

That’s it: Boredom is emotional b.o. to women.



That last line on the chemistry list is a nice segue into the other point, which was that DeAnna understands the importance of kino. That is, touching, physical contact.

…a lot of guys who are shy and quiet tend to be not very comfortable with touchy-feely stuff, and they tend to be kind of stiff and awkward. And guess what? Women can sense that, and it makes us stiff and awkward and uncomfortable. We don’t want to do that, so most women will try to break that as soon as possible. They’re wanting to escalate it, and they’re wanting to see if something’s there, and they only way they can do that, they feel, is by getting closer to you physically and establishing that touching between the two of you guys. If you find a woman touching you, that’s usually her way of saying ‘Hey, I’m trying to escalate this, I’m trying to get closer to you, so touch me and let’s get over this awkwardness, let’s bond, let’s be uncomfortable with each other, ok?’ So touch her right back. do not be stiff and awkward. Don’t be all against the touchy-feely. Touch playfully, touch subtly – but find ways to touch her, so that she feels more comfortable with you, because the more you touch her and the more comfortable you are with both touch and with her, the more comfortable she is going to feel around you.

Though DeAnna Lorraine tends to beat her points to death, it’s actually good advice.

And yes, “a lot of guys who are shy and quiet tend to be not very comfortable with touchy-feely stuff, and they tend to be kind of stiff and awkward.”

I resemble that remark.

It’s like the time that Adrian Monk visited the martial arts master:
Master Zee: A great sadness has entered the room.
Monk: That would be me.


OK, the question is: how do I get used to touching and being touched? The obvious answer is: by doing it.

Sure, but how do I get started doing it?

One possibility would be to get a massage. Another possibility would be a visit to a professional escort.

I’ve sort of done both. And that my friends is another story for another day.