Situations where there’s no script

Almost three out of every ten love-shy men interviewed for this study were not at all afraid to talk publicly. In fact, many of them greatly relished every opportunity they could obtain for talking or entertaining in some way before the public. These men were shy only in situations where there is no script—where there is no clearly defined, non-ambiguous role to play. Hence, many love-shys are shy only in situations where there is no purpose apart from pure, unadulterated sociability….  [P]ut this person in a coctail [sic] party situation, or worse yet in a one-on-one situation with a woman whom he finds attractive, and he will freeze.

Of course, in all candor I must agree that seventy percent of the love-shys I studied were too shy to speak publicly. However, it appears quite clear that any remedying of this deficit would in no way assure a remission of the love-shyness problem.…

The moral here is simply that of let’s take first things first. An inability to function in a purely social, sociable situation wherein there is no purpose apart from pure friendliness, is far more debilitating to a person’s personal, social, and business life, than is any inability to deliver speeches or any inability to start conversations with strangers.

– Brian G. Gilmartin, Shyness & Love (1987), p. 141 [emphasis mine, in bold]

Amen, amen, amen! This passage is the one in this book that electrified me, despite my not really fitting the description of love shy male. I think it applies not just to love-shyness but to Social Anxiety (SA) and Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) as well.

“situations in which there is no script…” Yes, that’s what triggers my social anxiety. I wish it didn’t, because I think deep down I actually have a talent for improvisation – just not the guts to let it out.

Btw, the passage I’ve quoted supports my lack of faith in something like Toastmasters to help people who suffer from extreme SA or AvPD . Sometimes I read well-meaning but useless advice for “overcoming shyness” that suggests joining Toastmasters, and I roll my eyes. Toastmasters is a great organization for “normal” people, or even the moderately shy. I’m not dissing it. But for S.A. or AvPD, imho, fear of public speaking isn’t a priority problem. After all, even most outgoing people are afraid of getting up in front of a group and talking.

At least she’s cute

What I’d like to see is a “Toastmasters” for SA and AvPD, such as:

• Sparklingconversationmasters.
• Eyecontactmasters.
• Chatmasters.
• Whatdidyoudothisweekendmasters.
• Chillmasters.
• Socialmasters.
• Amygdalamasters.
• Flirtmasters.
• Partymasters.
• Intimacymasters.

You get the idea.

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13 Things People Think You Are Instead of SHY

13 things that people might think you are instead of shy:

• Stuck up
• Angry
• Boring
• Tired
• Calm (!?)
• Busy
• Gay
• In a hurry
• That you don’t like them
• Out of their league
• Ultra-religious
• Unathletic
• A potential serial killer

Off the top of my head, these are the ones I’ve experienced. I’m sure you shy people have other things you could add.

Shyness is such a embarrassment for me that there have been times that I preferred being thought of as one of those things on the list (but not all!), instead of shy — so that other people’s misconceptions about me actually work as a defense* mechanism for me.

* That’s defence for you Brits, Aussies, etc, out there.

Dud to Stud with Chemistry and Kino

~1~
As I wrote last time, I happened across the video “How to Attract Women for Shy Guys” on YouTube by dating coach DeAnna Lorraine. In that post, I made fun of DeAnna’s; I took umbrage at her overuse of the perjorative term “dud” to describe what a typical attention seeking outgoing woman thinks of “shy and quiet guys”; and I noted that she actually did have several good dating tips in the video.

As promised, I’ll make a couple more points then let it go.

~2~

Chemistry

DeAnna Lorraine uses the word “chemistry” ten times in the ten-minute video. I guess it must be important to women or something.

They’re on a date. Her emotions are in the beaker.

Here’s all 10 “chemistry” quotes from the video:

1. Women tend to have more chemistry with them [outgoing men] and desire them more.
2. She’s having a good time, and having fun. And that there’s chemistry.
3. If she’s trying to tease you or make jokes, she’s trying to create chemistry with you.
4. When you tease and when you banter back and forth, that is a key to creating attraction and chemistry and spark.
5. If you just say ha-ha and let it go flat, she’s gonna keep feeling like “oh my god this guy’s so boring, there’s no chemistry.”
6. The double date will bring out more of your personality… so you guys can have a greater chance of having chemistry.
7. That [activity dates] will also help the conversations from… going stale, and can actually create more chemistry when there’s something going on.
8. She doesn’t like the silence, and she’s trying to create more chemistry with you.
9. If there’s… no playfulness and stimulating conversations, she’s gonna go home thinking “that guy was such a nice guy, but…” And the but is – there was just no spark, just no chemistry, and you’re gonna fall into the friend zone like every other time.
10. When she’s touching you, she’s trying to see if there’s any sexual chemistry going on.

So, I couldn’t help but start thinking about chemistry. (And thinking about things is what we omega males do instead of, you know, taking action).

What exactly does chemistry mean, in the context of dating?

“Chemistry” is code for the woman’s emotional state. Chemistry means feelings – her feelings, that is, because nobody gives a crap how the man feels about the situation. (PUAs might call it her “hamster”)

And it all hangs on you and me, fellas – and not just the shy guys but all men. Her feelings are our responsibility. If she feels good, it’s chemistry. If she’s bored, you’re a dud. Whether or not she is boring to you doesn’t matter.

That’s it: Boredom is emotional b.o. to women.

~3~

Kino

That last line on the chemistry list is a nice segue into the other point, which was that DeAnna understands the importance of kino. That is, touching, physical contact.

…a lot of guys who are shy and quiet tend to be not very comfortable with touchy-feely stuff, and they tend to be kind of stiff and awkward. And guess what? Women can sense that, and it makes us stiff and awkward and uncomfortable. We don’t want to do that, so most women will try to break that as soon as possible. They’re wanting to escalate it, and they’re wanting to see if something’s there, and they only way they can do that, they feel, is by getting closer to you physically and establishing that touching between the two of you guys. If you find a woman touching you, that’s usually her way of saying ‘Hey, I’m trying to escalate this, I’m trying to get closer to you, so touch me and let’s get over this awkwardness, let’s bond, let’s be uncomfortable with each other, ok?’ So touch her right back. do not be stiff and awkward. Don’t be all against the touchy-feely. Touch playfully, touch subtly – but find ways to touch her, so that she feels more comfortable with you, because the more you touch her and the more comfortable you are with both touch and with her, the more comfortable she is going to feel around you.

Though DeAnna Lorraine tends to beat her points to death, it’s actually good advice.

And yes, “a lot of guys who are shy and quiet tend to be not very comfortable with touchy-feely stuff, and they tend to be kind of stiff and awkward.”

I resemble that remark.

It’s like the time that Adrian Monk visited the martial arts master:
Master Zee: A great sadness has entered the room.
Monk: That would be me.

~4~

OK, the question is: how do I get used to touching and being touched? The obvious answer is: by doing it.

Sure, but how do I get started doing it?

One possibility would be to get a massage. Another possibility would be a visit to a professional escort.

I’ve sort of done both. And that my friends is another story for another day.