F*ck Feelings – the blog

If you have any sort of mental illness or emotional issues and haven’t yet visited Dr. Lastname’s F*ck Feelings web site, you ought to. Now. (Well, right after you read my post, that is.)

Anyway, here’s a selection of my favorite inspirational quotes from F*ck Feelings:

“If doing what makes us happy was really most important, life would consist solely of eating gallons of Cherry Garcia while watching an endless ‘Jersey Shore’ marathon. And that does not a life make.”

“Just because mental illness doesn’t have a clear cause or a cure doesn’t mean it’s a death sentence. It’s merely a life sentence, so you might as well stop groping for answers and learn to deal.”

“Your flaws don’t have to be your downfall… especially since they’re not going away.”

“OK, if you can’t change someone, what can you do to stand being around them?”

“Accepting that we are all fucked by life is a basic tenet of the f*ckfeelings.com philosophy; there’s a certain zen to it, as we encourage not just being one with the universe and its glory but also with its amber waves of pain.”

“I’m not your friend, so I’m going to skip straight to telling you to shut up. I don’t like to hear people be mean to themselves. Don’t do it in my presence.”

“If you expect your medication to solve all of your problems, with no side effects, then your preferred method of transportation to the enchanted pharmacy castle should be a unicorn.”

“Just as everybody wants to go to heaven without having to die, everyone wants to find true love without having to suffer through dates.”

“Don’t begin the process of self-improvement by listing all the reasons you suck.”

 

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Chode-i-locks and the 3 Scares

I always try to be the opposite of Goldilocks. I visit places when no one’s around and try to leave no trace that I was even there. It’s not so much a well-thought-out, premeditated decision, but rather a personality quirk.

~~~~~

I went to one our organization’s other buildings, to do some monthly tasks. I typically try to do this in the evening, after normal office hours, when everyone’s gone. I do this for two reasons, one logical and one crazy:

  1. If anyone is still using the computers when I arrive, my task will end up taking twice as long as it would have otherwise.
  2. I want to avoid running into other people.

I pulled up to the building and looked up at the windows from my seat in the car. I could see that the office was still occupied. I sat for another minute, then finally got out and slowly walked up the outer stairs to the door. I walked in and glanced toward the office where they were. Three people were in there – the tall buxom manager, the young hot chick, and the serial-killer-looking guy.

I hesitated. Then I lost my nerve and turned around and left. I would come back later.

The place was toooo busy.

When I came back and they were all gone, the place was juussst right.

As I left I felt the first faint and familiar stirrings of a depressed mood developing in me. I didn’t resist it much. Sometimes it’s almost as if you want to feel bad; maybe by making it seem voluntary you fool yourself into thinking you have more control over it than you really do.

It was #2, above, that triggered this, of course. (#1 gives me a viable excuse).

It goes sort of like this:

  • I’m faced with a situation in which I’m shy.
  • Shyness triggers avoidance and withdrawal.
  • Avoidance triggers guilt.
  • Then comes rumination and depression.

And frequently it seems not so much like it’s anxiety that’s making me avoid things, but pessimism. I may have reached a point in life where I don’t feel anxious so much as I just believe I’m going to botch the situation. I’m not going to freeze up, I’m going to screw up. It’s as if I have internalized an assumption that I’m going to let people down or not act the way they would like. It’s as if it’s my responsibility to make them feel comfortable, and somehow I ”know” that I’ll fail. It’s as if I don’t think I’ll be welcome and I’m inconveniencing others with my presence.

This whole thing tonight at work wasn’t that big of a deal, and will be forgotten. But I wanted to write it down anyway.