F*ck Feelings – the blog

If you have any sort of mental illness or emotional issues and haven’t yet visited Dr. Lastname’s F*ck Feelings web site, you ought to. Now. (Well, right after you read my post, that is.)

Anyway, here’s a selection of my favorite inspirational quotes from F*ck Feelings:

“If doing what makes us happy was really most important, life would consist solely of eating gallons of Cherry Garcia while watching an endless ‘Jersey Shore’ marathon. And that does not a life make.”

“Just because mental illness doesn’t have a clear cause or a cure doesn’t mean it’s a death sentence. It’s merely a life sentence, so you might as well stop groping for answers and learn to deal.”

“Your flaws don’t have to be your downfall… especially since they’re not going away.”

“OK, if you can’t change someone, what can you do to stand being around them?”

“Accepting that we are all fucked by life is a basic tenet of the f*ckfeelings.com philosophy; there’s a certain zen to it, as we encourage not just being one with the universe and its glory but also with its amber waves of pain.”

“I’m not your friend, so I’m going to skip straight to telling you to shut up. I don’t like to hear people be mean to themselves. Don’t do it in my presence.”

“If you expect your medication to solve all of your problems, with no side effects, then your preferred method of transportation to the enchanted pharmacy castle should be a unicorn.”

“Just as everybody wants to go to heaven without having to die, everyone wants to find true love without having to suffer through dates.”

“Don’t begin the process of self-improvement by listing all the reasons you suck.”

 

Big Deal

Everything’s such a big freakin’ deal to my amygdala. Time and time again I have to talk him off the ledge. Like this:

  • Maybe it’s really not such a big deal. Sure, my emotions are big, but that doesn’t necessarily make the situation big.
  • Maybe the way I’m thinking and feeling right now is under the influence of some stupid old cognitive-emotional pattern in my brain, rather than a true assessment of what’s going on.
  • In most situations the stakes really aren’t very high. Most interactions and situations are just normal, and they’re not evaluations.

 

Chode-i-locks and the 3 Scares

I always try to be the opposite of Goldilocks. I visit places when no one’s around and try to leave no trace that I was even there. It’s not so much a well-thought-out, premeditated decision, but rather a personality quirk.

~~~~~

I went to one our organization’s other buildings, to do some monthly tasks. I typically try to do this in the evening, after normal office hours, when everyone’s gone. I do this for two reasons, one logical and one crazy:

  1. If anyone is still using the computers when I arrive, my task will end up taking twice as long as it would have otherwise.
  2. I want to avoid running into other people.

I pulled up to the building and looked up at the windows from my seat in the car. I could see that the office was still occupied. I sat for another minute, then finally got out and slowly walked up the outer stairs to the door. I walked in and glanced toward the office where they were. Three people were in there – the tall buxom manager, the young hot chick, and the serial-killer-looking guy.

I hesitated. Then I lost my nerve and turned around and left. I would come back later.

The place was toooo busy.

When I came back and they were all gone, the place was juussst right.

As I left I felt the first faint and familiar stirrings of a depressed mood developing in me. I didn’t resist it much. Sometimes it’s almost as if you want to feel bad; maybe by making it seem voluntary you fool yourself into thinking you have more control over it than you really do.

It was #2, above, that triggered this, of course. (#1 gives me a viable excuse).

It goes sort of like this:

  • I’m faced with a situation in which I’m shy.
  • Shyness triggers avoidance and withdrawal.
  • Avoidance triggers guilt.
  • Then comes rumination and depression.

And frequently it seems not so much like it’s anxiety that’s making me avoid things, but pessimism. I may have reached a point in life where I don’t feel anxious so much as I just believe I’m going to botch the situation. I’m not going to freeze up, I’m going to screw up. It’s as if I have internalized an assumption that I’m going to let people down or not act the way they would like. It’s as if it’s my responsibility to make them feel comfortable, and somehow I ”know” that I’ll fail. It’s as if I don’t think I’ll be welcome and I’m inconveniencing others with my presence.

This whole thing tonight at work wasn’t that big of a deal, and will be forgotten. But I wanted to write it down anyway.

Dud to Stud with Chemistry and Kino

~1~
As I wrote last time, I happened across the video “How to Attract Women for Shy Guys” on YouTube by dating coach DeAnna Lorraine. In that post, I made fun of DeAnna’s; I took umbrage at her overuse of the perjorative term “dud” to describe what a typical attention seeking outgoing woman thinks of “shy and quiet guys”; and I noted that she actually did have several good dating tips in the video.

As promised, I’ll make a couple more points then let it go.

~2~

Chemistry

DeAnna Lorraine uses the word “chemistry” ten times in the ten-minute video. I guess it must be important to women or something.

They’re on a date. Her emotions are in the beaker.

Here’s all 10 “chemistry” quotes from the video:

  1. Women tend to have more chemistry with them [outgoing men] and desire them more.
  2. She’s having a good time, and having fun. And that there’s chemistry.
  3. If she’s trying to tease you or make jokes, she’s trying to create chemistry with you.
  4. When you tease and when you banter back and forth, that is a key to creating attraction and chemistry and spark.
  5. If you just say ha-ha and let it go flat, she’s gonna keep feeling like “oh my god this guy’s so boring, there’s no chemistry.”
  6. The double date will bring out more of your personality… so you guys can have a greater chance of having chemistry.
  7. That [activity dates] will also help the conversations from… going stale, and can actually create more chemistry when there’s something going on.
  8. She doesn’t like the silence, and she’s trying to create more chemistry with you.
  9. If there’s… no playfulness and stimulating conversations, she’s gonna go home thinking “that guy was such a nice guy, but…” And the but is – there was just no spark, just no chemistry, and you’re gonna fall into the friend zone like every other time.
  10. When she’s touching you, she’s trying to see if there’s any sexual chemistry going on.

So, I couldn’t help but start thinking about chemistry. (And thinking about things is what we omega males do instead of, you know, taking action).

What exactly does chemistry mean, in the context of dating?

“Chemistry” is code for the woman’s emotional state. Chemistry means feelings – her feelings, that is, because nobody gives a crap how the man feels about the situation. (PUAs might call it her “hamster”)

And it all hangs on you and me, fellas – and not just the shy guys but all men. Her feelings are our responsibility. If she feels good, it’s chemistry. If she’s bored, you’re a dud. Whether or not she is boring to you doesn’t matter.

That’s it: Boredom is emotional b.o. to women.

~3~

Kino

That last line on the chemistry list is a nice segue into the other point, which was that DeAnna understands the importance of kino. That is, touching, physical contact.

…a lot of guys who are shy and quiet tend to be not very comfortable with touchy-feely stuff, and they tend to be kind of stiff and awkward. And guess what? Women can sense that, and it makes us stiff and awkward and uncomfortable. We don’t want to do that, so most women will try to break that as soon as possible. They’re wanting to escalate it, and they’re wanting to see if something’s there, and they only way they can do that, they feel, is by getting closer to you physically and establishing that touching between the two of you guys. If you find a woman touching you, that’s usually her way of saying ‘Hey, I’m trying to escalate this, I’m trying to get closer to you, so touch me and let’s get over this awkwardness, let’s bond, let’s be uncomfortable with each other, ok?’ So touch her right back. do not be stiff and awkward. Don’t be all against the touchy-feely. Touch playfully, touch subtly – but find ways to touch her, so that she feels more comfortable with you, because the more you touch her and the more comfortable you are with both touch and with her, the more comfortable she is going to feel around you.

Though DeAnna Lorraine tends to beat her points to death, it’s actually good advice.

And yes, “a lot of guys who are shy and quiet tend to be not very comfortable with touchy-feely stuff, and they tend to be kind of stiff and awkward.”

I resemble that remark.

It’s like the time that Adrian Monk visited the martial arts master:
Master Zee: A great sadness has entered the room.
Monk: That would be me.

~4~

OK, the question is: how do I get used to touching and being touched? The obvious answer is: by doing it.

Sure, but how do I get started doing it?

One possibility would be to get a massage. Another possibility would be a visit to a professional escort.

I’ve sort of done both. And that my friends is another story for another day.