I don’t recall how I came across this video on YouTube, but here it is. I was probably searching for something about AVPD. In a nutshell, here’s what it’s about:
Q: How does a shy man attract women?
A: Don’t be a shy man.
The woman with the Jersey Shore tan and too much makeup is DeAnna Lorraine, aka Ms. Hitch, a “Dating & Relationship Coach” in San Diego, California. She aims to “…help you come out of your shell and help you become the confident alpha male that I know you can be and that you want to be.”
In the video she looks like a female bodybuilder without the muscles and is dressed like a hostess on Fantasy Island. (Hey, if she’s gonna describe our personalities as a “dud”, I’m gonna riff on her looks. Nya-nya). If you can listen past her appearance, though, you’ll notice that she says a couple of risible things – and then you’ll be even more annoyed.
But seriously, beyond that, surprisingly she does give a couple of useful tips that square with the things I’ve recently learned about dating and connecting with women.
DeAnna Lorraine wants to help men work on their confidence, but I think she starts off on the wrong foot. Here are some quotes, along with my commentary:
“Hey guys, DeAnna Lorraine here… this message is for all those quiet and shy guys out there. I just got an email the other day from a reader, asking me what my opinion and advice… for shy and quiet guys, and how women really feel about them. Is it really necessary for them to improve their social skills or to be more outgoing for them to be more successful with women? I work with a lot of you quiet guys out there. A lot of people who are engineers, and people who are very introverted, and I help transform them.”
Those darn engineers, they’re so introverted! Gee, I hope she works with more than just engineers.
“Number one, I hate to be the bearer of bad news [smiles], but yes, you do need to improve your social skills. Because the fact is, plain and simple, that men who are more outgoing and more charismatic and more confident on dates naturally attract women more. They just do. They’re naturally more attractive, and women tend to have more chemistry with them and desire them more. That’s just a fact of life. So, um, you need to do something.”
If she hates to bear bad news, then why is she smiling as she says it?
“Now… another mistake men make is thinking that just because a woman is more talkative or outgoing or bubbly, or she fills in the silences a lot, that she’s having a good time and having fun. And that there’s chemistry. But nooooo.
[wags an minty-white nail-polish-tipped finger at the camera]
Now, this seems to fly in the face of the ideas of respected Game writers such as Roissy/Heartiste and others, along with many commenters on men’s forums who advise us to say less and let the woman do most of the talking since women love talking about themselves. They claim that many men mistakenly talk too much, especially in the early going. Thus, “Aloof Game” works better, claims Heartiste for instance. Okay, okay, I’m forgetting context – I need to realize that Game advice is directed at regular guys (the Average Frustrated Chump, or AFC, in pick-up lingo) rather than shy and quiet ones.
If women – and especially women who are more outgoing and sociable… trust me, they notice when you’re being quiet. They notice when you’re being a dud. They’re just more social, so they naturally fill in the silences more because they feel awkward if they don’t. But they want to get out of there as quick as possible. So don’t mistake the fact that a woman’s sociable, and you’re still sitting there like a dud not making conversation, that she’s having fun. She just happens to be more social naturally. So, if you’re gonna be a dud on a date, and it’s like pulling teeth to have a conversation with you, she’s gonna be out of there and she’s gonna be bored out of her mind. OK?“
This is the section that shrivels my ballsack. Three uses of the word “dud” in 25 seconds. Really? Way to help our self-confidence, Deanna. So, it’s actually “how to attract women for outgoing guys”. Because, you see, quiet guys are duds.
I get the impression that above all, women must be kept entertained. Like small children.
Beyond the introduction, the video isn’t all that crappy. She even has a couple of useful dating tips, along with a couple of duds for tips (sorry, couldn’t resist using the term. (Full credit, these aren’t my tips, their DeAnna Lorraine’s – see, I come not just to bury her but to praise her too). . . .
Have a list of topics and questions prepared beforehand, to fill in the lulls in conversation.
I’m picturing Adrian Monk with a stack of note cards with talk topics written on them. Any “Monk” fans out there will recall the episode I’m referring to. To her credit, DeAnna Lorraine says to internalize them so you’re not just reciting them. Game writers advise men to have stories to tell. (And later on DeAnna Lorraine does so as well, advising that when your date is asking you questions, “actually answer the questions and elaborate. Tell stories. Elaborate you stories”. Avoiding one-word answers (but I’m so good at it!).
Go on shorter, smaller dates at first.
Actually not bad advice, since we shy guys need to get habituated to a situation for a while becoming more comfortable. Alas, DeAnna Lorraine doesn’t describe it that way – she means shorter dates prevent the woman from thinking that you’re a dud before she even gets to really know you.
Go on double dates, “especially with a couple that you know that’s fun, or a friend of yours that’s outgoing…. to counteract the shyness.”
Not practical, especially if the shy guy doesn’t know many fun outgoing friends or couples (which is not unlikely). Also it reinforces the idea that if you’re quiet, if you’re a dud, you’re just not good enough to create fun for the lady.
Go on activity-oriented dates – “…instead of just dinner, try to set up a date for like Indy car racing, or playing pool, or playing poker, or going bowling, or something like that where’s that actual interaction between the two of you
Kudos to her on that one. And it’s a good idea not just for shy guys. Not that I would know. But it makes sense.
And, another good one, “…be on the alert for her social cues, and [jabbing with finger for emphasis] pick up on them, OK? So, shy and more introverted guys especially, they tend – not all of them – but they tend to be less cued in to social cues and picking on them. But you want to make sure you’re clued in.”
My problem, as a shy person, has typically been that while I pick up on most social cues pretty well (hell, I’m so over-sensitive to them that sometimes I imagine ones that aren’t there), I’m too reserved to show that I’ve picked up on them. Or I’m afraid I might misinterpret the social cue and cause embarrassment. But the tip is still pretty good.
She also goes into the use of kino (touching as communication) and she loves the word “chemistry” (so what does she mean?). I’ll cover that in another post.